Comrades (look forward, wait, wait, wait, for applause to die down)
I come to you tonight and humbly accept the Nobel Peace Prize on behalf of myself and all other young, unaccomplished, African American Presidents of the United States. (look to other teleprompter)
Although it has been a short Presidency so far, my Obama Presidency, the single handed heroic efforts, led by myself, to clean up the mess left after the past eight, long, horrible years has resulted in much unexpected change. It must be noted that two of the last eight horrible years before my change administration was elected, in an unprecedented landslide, a once reliable, complacent, Republican Congress, was replaced by an uncooperative, fractionalized, Democrat Congress. (look regally to other teleprompter)
Although I ran on a platform of a new era of respect for America by the rest of the world – based on unprecedented groveling and bowing by me, I have to tell ya’ll, I ain’t feeling it, the love I mean, except for this Nobel Prize. (look sternly to other teleprompter)
I ask for more troops from Europe to carry on the military objectives of the past, eight year long, horrible, administration and in an unprecedented slap in the face I get some prize for who knows what. (pause, timing is everything)
Now look, if you all can’t round up enough troops to help me and old NATO out how about a deal. For Heaven’s sake buy some American debt so we can borrow whatever it is that comes after a thousand trillion.
And while we are on the subject of money, I hear there is a bit of cash that goes with this prize. So I am going to lead by example and donate this prize to an unnamed charity, any charity that rhymes with ACORN. (look back and forth several times at teleprompter)
So as America finally rejects the past eight years, horrible eight years, and joins the rest of the civilized world, as proven by my winning this most unprecedented award, I must say it is wonderful to have my wife finally be really, really, proud of her country.
Thank you, God bless Europe, Africa, Asia, both polar caps, and most of all, my home village in Kenya – where do I pick up the check.