Sister Mary Baggagescreener

There was a bit of mixed emotion on the left over the holiday weekend.  An al-Qaida terrorist tried to blow up a plane over Detroit—bad for Obama/Napolitano, but a crazy woman attacked an 80 year old man and knocked him down in Rome.   On the latter, the woman became an instant progressive anti-establishment role model because the man she knocked down was the Pope.   Attacking the Pope is apparently an act worthy of praise from liberal progressive bloggers which begs the question, should Mo Baxley be demanding that every liberal and democrat apologize for their tacit complicity for such praise by their fellow travelers?  

Ms. Baxley’s apparent silence aside, I suspect that most people would condemn such a thing, not just because it is bad form to knock over octogenarians regardless of your own “conflicted” spiritual/temporal inclinations, but because conspicuous religious figures are still afforded a certain amount of respect even if you happen to disagree with them. 

This conscious (or collective unconscious) acceptance may be part of 70,000 years of human development and just as likely functions as a form of subconscious superstition.   And superstition is abundant even among non-religionists and atheists.  If we ignore the lucky bowling shirt or game jersey, some believe in ghosts, global warming, or the power of crystals.  Others are adamant about ignoring problems with macro-evolution and completely unwilling to explain problems with the big bang theory, both of which suffer from some of the same first cause issues they invoke to discredit the existence of God.  So I’d argue that there is an inherent energy there, an as yet untapped social resource about pious figures that could be tapped to solve the former problem; that posed by the crotch-bomber and his ilk. 

The TSA should replace all it’s screeners with nuns.  

Who doesn’t have a hard time staring down a nun with that “what exactly have you been up to young man” look in her eye?  Call it primordial guilt if you like.  The very presence of nuns—aside from pissing off the ACLU which is in and of itself a worthy goal--would create a no-nonsense atmosphere in which any number of potential carry on baggage violations would be resolved by guilt ridden passengers long before they ever got to security.  And any number of religious fanatics with any number of virgins on their minds might be immediately disinclined to even try boarding.  (Muslims revere Mary and nuns serve as her spiritual/metaphorical sign post).  

Nuns would be more diligent and intimidating than an eight dollar an hour TSA screener with a metal detecting wand.  Somewhere on that nun is a ruler, and I bet she knows how to use it. 

Sister Mary Baggagescreener would brook no nonsense, and in tandem with the guilt component, the line would move twice as fast.  I bet they’d be more polite as well, sending troublemakers to the back of the line to think about what they've done.

And just leave your pocket change as a donation to help feed needy children.  The nuns, unlike UN organizations or the third world dictators, have very low overhead when it comes to helping the needy.  And Liberals opposed to such things would take Amtrack instead which would speed things up even more and save taxpayers money by increasing commuter rail receipts.

Add to that Sister Mary Airmarshall and every tray table and seat back would be in the full and upright position without delay.  And anyone who tried to stand up would have to explain themselves to the meek yet powerful presence of a woman who’s calm and piercing discourse demands respect.  Even angry feminists are no match for a nun. 

So with hands in front of you and the ever present ruler just a flick away from your knuckles, fiddling with your undergarments would be near impossible.  Besides, who wants to risk having to write "I will not inject accelerants into my crotch bomb" in latin 100 times?  Or perhaps the Sisters could make offenders hold up two copies of the Health Care reform Bill at the front of the Plane-arms outstretched--until landing.

What's more, Nuns are probably a good deal cheaper than TSA screeners and much less inclined to be intimidated into joining a union.  The are already married to God, so no room for the SEIU. And even if card check passed, how does the union think it is going to pressure a nun?  “Sister I need you to sign this card.”  Wack!   

So there you have it.  It is a simple, no nonsense solution, with no taxpayer overhead and guaranteed results.   And it's almost as far fetched as anything the Feds or the TSA will ever come up with.